Is it smarter to divorce when your children are younger, or older? This is a difficult decision many couples must decide on when divorcing. Many parents to feel that waiting until kids are older to divorce will be less challenging for them. At the surface, it does makes sense. Younger children, even those in high school, might be more fragile to the separation of their parents than say, a young adult, who may simply be more matured. But it’s all very circumstantial. Especially when your child is in college, not living at home any longer.
When young adults go off to college, they’re entering a whole new world. They’re making new friends, getting used to a new environment, putting themselves out there, taking on whole new responsibilities, and getting used to life without both their parents around. This can create a sense of instability in their lives. But they may find relief in knowing that they can return home for holidays or even weekends. The familial situation they’re used to will be there for their comfort, even if their parents are not on the best of terms.
College can be overwhelming in and of itself for young adults. If they learn that their parents are divorcing, this can simply add to their stress. Additionally, just being in college may make them feel as if they’ve lost the parental figures that have guided them their entire lives. When you add divorce to that, they may anticipate that loss of parental guidance even stronger.
Younger children are vulnerable to the effects of divorce, but they do tend to bounce back quicker than young adults. Young adults tend to take on some of the responsibilities, becoming involved in care-taking for their own parents. Young adults already have enough responsibilities on their plate, and this need to take on responsibilities may add to that stress too.
This isn’t to say that younger children don’t feel the effects of divorce though. No matter what, every divorced parent is responsible for their child’s feelings. Every child deserves:
Misconceptions about divorce are prevalent, and one of them is that parents frequently engage in custody battles that are litigated in court and resolved by a judge’s ruling.
The truth is that most couples prefer to settle their differences privately and avoid courtroom litigation. Even when a custody issue becomes high profile in the media, like the case of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, this is true.
Here are some interesting statistics reported in the Huffington Post that put child custody litigation into a proper perspective:
During divorce, most parents want the process to go as smoothly as possible for the children. Introducing the least amount of life style change generally makes the transition for children easier. These statistics show why mothers typically get most of the primary care duties, even when both parents work.
The Pew Research Center released a report in 2011 regarding families with children and it found:
There are many factors to weigh when arranging for child custody, and it is wise to discuss your concerns with an experienced lawyer. Attorney Chris Palermo can help you make important decisions that affect your and your children’s future.
There is almost an app for everything these days, and apps for co-parenting can help you juggle the lifestyle changes during separation or after divorce. They can make co-parenting easier for both you and your ex.
Various apps are available for co-parenting. Here are a few to consider:
2Houses has a calendar you can share to help you keep track of daily activities. The expense section of the app helps you see how money is being spent on your child, and it also keeps a record of the balance. The journal section is a family social network where you can share pictures, write entries, relate things your children said, or share conversations you’ve had with your child’s teachers, doctor, etc. When your child is away, you can still participate in your child’s life through shared communication.
Kidganizer functions is similar to 2houses in that it has a calendar section (with alert reminders), an expenses area and a section where you can share information.
Custody connection allows you to create a custody calendar and share it with your child’s other parent. You can connect and synchronize with the other parent, and there’s no need to send texts or make phone calls because you can easily communicate and request any necessary changes by using the app.
Parenting Apart offers counseling ideas for separated and divorced couples to deal with various situations that often arise during co-parenting. Examples include: what to expect emotionally with your child, what to look for at during different ages and stages, etc.
If you’re contemplating divorce or need legal advice, it’s wise to consult with a divorce lawyer. Divorce Attorney Chris Palermo offers compassionate legal assistance and can help you navigate a variety of issues couples often face during divorce.
Divorce, whether it feels like somewhat of a relief or an entire upheaval of your happiness, may cause you to make irrational decisions. Much like positive emotions may lead a person to make positive choices, negative emotions may lead a person to do the opposite. It’s important to stay grounded following a divorce, to deal with the grief by making positive choices as opposed to negative ones, which can exacerbate life after divorce. These 7 mistakes are easy to make when a negative thought pattern is controlling your behavior – avoid them…
After a divorce, it might make you feel good to change up your look. They say “the first step to feeling better is looking better”. But some changes are simply too drastic. Don’t go out and get a tattoo, or a body piercing, or anything that’s permanent. You’d be making this decision out of negative emotion such as grief or resentment. The last thing you need in your life is a constant reminder of that negativity. And you may just come to regret that decision directly after making it.
Once you’re separated, you may think that your ex’s behavior will change. Don’t have high expectations. People change on their own. You simply don’t have the power to change someone, especially an ex with whom resentment may still linger. Having high hopes that your ex-spouse may act differently to you now that you are divorced, perhaps less hostile or just friendlier, is setting yourself up for a letdown. Don’t fall into that trap. Focus on yourself and being the best person you can be.
Yes, it can be extremely difficult to get back into the dating world. You crave intimacy and attention. But you’re afraid of that vulnerability that comes along with putting yourself back out there. So, you automatically think of how convenient it would be to look up an old ex, if only for comfort sex. But remember, your exes are exes for a reason. You weren’t meant to be. Sex, even if it’s just for comfort, releases oxytocin – often referred to as “the love hormone”. You may end up developing feelings for an ex who was never good for you to begin with if you engage in sexual activities with them. Avoid this mistake at all costs. Wait until you’re ready to put yourself back out there, knowing fully what you want in your next partner.
It seems easier to either curl up with your emotions or cover them up following a divorce than to face them. But this is never a good idea. The art of therapy will never die, nor will the use of psychology. Find a psychologist that you feel comfortable with, someone you feel you can fully describe your feelings to, and someone who offers you coping mechanisms, ideas, and affirmations to help in your own healing process.
Airing out your feelings on Social Media will do you no good. If you need to vent, talk to your psychologist. Cherish their feedback more than anyone else’s. They are professionals. Talking bad about your ex-spouse won’t make you feel any better, either. If you turn to Facebook to vent out your feelings about your ex-spouse or your feelings in general, you may end up with numerous people who don’t fully know the complexities of your prior relationship trying to give you advice. Their advice might serve your wrong, and too many voices in your head simply turns to static.
It can be hard to feel like a “third-wheel”, but it’s unlikely that your good friends who are in positive, working marriages are going to let you feel like that. Reach out to them. Tell them that you still want to be a part of their lives. If they were good friends to you when you were married, they’ll likely still be good to you when you’re divorced. And who knows, they may just end up being a bridge to a new partner in life. Isolation won’t offer up this bridge.
When we’re given two choices, and one is more comfortable than the other, we often choose the more comfortable option – even if the other option was the right one. Think back to your marriage. What did you do wrong in that marriage? In every divorce, both parties have some fault as to why the relationship when awry. What was it about your ex-spouse that initially made you fall for them? What was it about them that you feel made the relationship unhealthy? Be cautious of these traits when looking for a new partner. The last thing you want to do is get in a relationship with someone who is a repeat of your ex-spouse, which might feel comfortable to you. So, proceed with some caution. Make sure not to drag bad relationship habits that may have contributed to the failure of your last marriage into a new relationship. You may even surprise yourself and realize that an entirely different personality than what you’ve always looked for is what you actually need.
Getting back on track following a divorce is pretty much always harder than we can imagine. One foot in front of the other. Remember, you are capable of anything, no matter what stage in life you are at.
Divorce can an physically taxing, financially tolling, emotional rollercoaster. Whereas some feel like a weight has been lifted after a divorce, having dealt with emotional, psychological or physical abuse from their spouse, others may have tried their hardest to keep their marriage together, only to see it fall to pieces regardless. For those divorcees, the loss can hit hard. When you marry someone, you envisage your union lasting forever. Here are 3 difficult truths about divorce and ways you can overcome them…
Before your divorce, you may have had someone to at least lean on somewhat through turbulent change. Now, that change is losing them completely. They’re gone. Your shoulder, if ever your spouse was one, won’t be there for you to lean on. You truly are alone in coping with your emotions. Now, you may be envisioning a future without a teammate. It’s entirely natural to feel like you’ve lost your strength after a divorce. But now is a time for self-discovery, and self-love. You still need to keep your health, wellbeing, and life together. You’ll have to step up to the plate on your own. And in doing so, you’ll realize that you do have the strength to be independent, even after being dependent on your ex-spouse for so long. You may have had such self-love before your marriage, and that self-love may have been lost throughout an unhealthy relationship. But that self-love will come back.
Take your time, but don’t curl up with that loneliness or lack of self-love. You may feel an urge to get out and rebuild your social life. You might not know where to start, though. Luckily, it’s easier than you may think, so long as you face any reservations about putting yourself out there. If you don’t have friends or simply want a new group of friends, join a social group like Meetup.com. Search the site for meetups that involve activities you truly love doing. When you feel ready, try and get out there – if only to make new friendships and social circles. This will aid in the process of relearning what it is to love yourself.
Divorce can be traumatizing for a child, especially if they’re dragged through a custody battle. And especially if they realize they won’t be able to see one of their parents as often as the other. Children can be extremely intuitive, as well. Much like they may have sensed your pain during your marriage and during the divorce process, they’ll sense it if it’s there afterward.
Divorce can also cause a child to have to grow up faster than normal. And that’s natural. Take this time to come up with creative ways that will help both you and your child throughout the healing process. Don’t leave it up to your child to figure out how to heal on their own, even if you don’t feel as if you’ve healed. Heal together.
Once you’re divorced, you and your ex-spouse need different car insurance policies. If the two of you have a teenager who needs car insurance, it may be a little confusing to decide whose insurance policy (yours or your ex-spouse’s) your teenager should be covered under. We’d like to help clear this type of situation up.
If you have primary custody of your teen, it’s likely best that you place your child on your own insurance. If, however, they have access to a car at your ex-spouse’s home, your ex-spouse should check with their insurance carrier to see if they need to have your teenager on their policy as well.
If you and your ex-spouse share joint custody, and your teenager has access to cars at both homes, it’s best to add them to both of your policies.
If your teenage driver spends most of their time at your ex’s home, they should be listed under their policy. If, however, they do drive a car at your home, you should ask your insurance carrier if they need to be covered under your policy as well.
According to studies by The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and State Farm, setting clear rules can cut the potential of a teenager having a car accident in half. Parents should also pay attention to where their kids are driving and with whom. It’s also important to have rules about when your teenager can borrow your car. They should be required to request permission to use your car, and research says controlling access to your car keys, “at least for the first six to 12 months after a teen gets a license, is one of the best things parents can do to keep their kids safe.”
According to research, the way in which you set the rules is just as important as the rules you set. Your teenager needs to know that your rules are set in place for their own safety, and not just to control them.
With that said, it’s important that you and your ex-spouse, even if there is resentment, come to an solid agreement regarding the rules you set for your teenager’s driving privileges and that you both stick to those rules.
A divorce can shake a child’s world view. But as a parent, you have the ability to help keep your child grounded and well-adjusted after a divorce. The way in which you approach your child on how they are copying should be different, however, based on their age. Throughout the developmental process, a child’s perception of the world and the factors that affect their own world changes. Here’s a guide to approaching a child’s divorce at each developmental stage.
California Psychologist John B. Kelly shines a light on the different developmental stages of a child’s life and the key developmental issues parents must face when helping their child both understand, accept, and overcome the complexities of divorce.
Babies & Toddlers:
Preschoolers:
Kelly points out what emotional symptoms to watch out for in preschoolers that may be signs of emotional distress following divorce. Preschoolers who express fear, anger or emotional instability (clinginess, anxiety, whininess or general instability), and lack of sleep may be having trouble handling a divorce.
Kelly points out the parental priorities of parents who have recently divorced – particularly parents of toddlers and preschoolers. According to Kelly, toddlers and preschoolers require consistent care and nurturing, which gives them a sense of reassurance. Their lives “need to be anchored by the normal routines (meals, play, bath, bed) in the presence of a parent who is ‘there for them’”. This is always important for children, but especially after a divorce. Kelly notes, “‘If things aren’t going well at home, preteens and teenagers can escape by going to hang out with friends. Babies, toddlers and preschoolers can’t’”.
She also notes that preschoolers need “‘simple, concrete explanations.’” She advises parents to stick to the basics, describing who will be moving out, where the child will live, who will look after them and how often they will see each parent. She also advises to be prepared for questions and to provide short, concise answers. One conversation won’t do the job, though, according to Kelly. There may be several short talks.
6-8 year olds:
9-11 year olds:
School-aged children may show distress in the form of fear, anxiety, anger, or sadness, according to Kelly. They may also display more clear-cut signs that they are missing one of their parents. Some may even wonder what they can do to reconcile the relationship between their parents. This is something to watch out for. They may blame themselves for the divorce, not understanding that this was an adult decision and that their actions didn’t play a part in the divorce. Children who fantasize about a reconciliation or conjure up ways to help their parents reconcile may have more difficulty with the process of healing and healthily adjusting post-divorce.
Kelly points out that at this age, parents do have some different priorities. Routine and stable care is still very important. Although older kids in this age range have more of an ability to understand how they are feeling and express said feelings does not mean that they will. If you feel your child in this age group is distressed, but won’t speak about it, it may be up to you to open the dialogue. Kelly recommends asking about their feelings indirectly as opposed to directly. Asking a direct question, such as “Are you sad?” can come off as threatening. An indirect statement to open up dialogue, such as, “Some kids feel angry, sad, or afraid after their parents get divorced”, is less threatening. Kelly also recommends books about divorce for children. It can help them understand their feelings and cope with them.
12-14 year olds:
With 12-14 year olds, Kelly recommends watching out for irritability and anger – both common – aimed at either parents. With a young teen, it can be difficult to gauge whether or not their moodiness is an effect of divorce. Think about how they were before the separation and how they are acting after. This may give you insight as to whether or not their moodiness is in fact a result of the divorce.
With young teens, it’s important to keep communication open so emotional problems don’t go unnoticed. They can be difficult to reach, and sometimes even act as if they don’t want to be reached out to. But most still crave connection, in some way, with their parents. So, even if they push back, keep trying if you feel they may be distressed over the divorce. If you are going to talk about it, make sure you meet them half way. Bring in topics of discussion that they want to talk about. Again, this can be a difficult age group to reach. So it’s important to let them feel that their voice matters and that you are truly interested.
Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide For Changing Families by Laurene Krasny Brown and Mark Brown (Ages 4-8)
I Don’t Want To Talk About It by Jeanie Franz Ransom (Ages 4-8)
My Mom and Dad Don’t Live Together Anymore: A Drawing Book For Children Of Separated or Divorced Parents by Judith Aron Rubin (Ages 4-12)
What Can I Do? A Book for Children of Divorce by Danielle Lowry (Ages 8-12)
Starting over financially after a divorce can be extremely difficult for some. When you had shared assets, such as a mortgage, it can be overwhelming to understand what steps you must take to ensure you’re financially stable following a divorce. Especially since it’s not something you prepare for.
It’s important to reclaim your financial independence. It can be difficult to maintain your own wellbeing when your financial foundation has been shifted. Following these tips may help you regain you financial stability.
It’s difficult to think about your finances following a divorce, which can stem a lot of emotional turmoil for many of us. But regardless, it’s important to get a handle on your finances. Shomari Hearn of the Palisades Financial Group in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, says, “The first step to getting a handle on your finances following a divorce should be to evaluate your living expenses, any outstanding debt you may have, and your income, including any alimony or child support.” Laying out your financial responsibilities in relation to your income will help you establish a footing with where you stand financially and is a great place to start. You may recognize that some of your spending habits need to be reevaluated in your new financial situation, and having a grasp on that is important.
Monica Mizzi, of Legal Templates, explains how a financial plan should be set up following a divorce. Think of your short-term, mid-term, and long-term financial goals – and plan out what steps you need to take to get to each, “including gradual milestones to keep you motivated and on track.” It might be difficult to think of these goals following a divorce, but it is important. What do you need to do now in your life to keep financially stable? What financial goals would you like to meet within a few years? And what financial goals do you have planned for the future? Knowing the answer to these questions will help you make informed decisions on your spending and saving.
A financial planner can help you figure out what your next moves are going to be in life in order to establish financial independence. Especially if you’re new to managing your own finances. Sometimes, there’s one party in a marriage that took care of all the finances (paying bills, figuring out where to spend money, where to cut back on spending, etc.). A financial planner can help educate those who don’t have the strongest understanding of finances.
Sitting down and creating a new budget is a great tip following a divorce. New Jersey attorney Jef Henninger advises his clients to “use the divorce process as a reset button on their lives.”
“Since you are laying everything out there anyway, this is the best time to examine your spending and saving habits…seek professional advice if you need it but use this as an opportunity to start over and change your habits,” says Henninger. It makes plenty of sense. Your budget used to include another’s income and spending habits. Now that that other is no longer in the picture, your budget has to change.
If you’ve been left the home, it’s a good idea to remove your former spouse from the title of your home by refinancing and executing a quitclaim deed. It’s recommended by experts to consult with a mortgage company on your next steps.
It may be extremely important to do away with any joint accounts following a divorce to protect both parties. If you leave joint accounts open, a resentful ex-spouse may make purchases without your approval, which can put your credit at risk.
Most of the time, couples will place the name of their spouse as the primary beneficiary on insurance policies, retirement accounts, 401Ks, IRAs or life insurance policies. Now that your primary beneficiary is out of the picture, it’s best to choose a new one.
It’s important to keep documentation of your divorce decree for financial records, especially if you’d like to apply for a new home loan.
Divorce can be an extremely emotional transition for many, and for many it can create financial instability. We hope theses tips can help any struggling divorcees achieve their own financial stability.
If you are divorcing a narcissist, understanding potential challenges can help you get through the process.
According to the Mayo Clinic, a person with a narcissistic personality disorder has an inflated sense of importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. The individual is very vulnerable to the slightest criticism, causes problems in many areas of life (relationships, work, school or financial affairs) and may be generally unhappy and disappointed when not given special favors or admiration.
According to a Psychology Today article that incorporates input from a therapist and the author’s attorney, here are some factors to consider.
Here are some narcissistic traits have that are problematic for divorce:
Being right – Truth does not matter but “being right” does, and if playing the victim serves the goal, then a narcissist will do that.
Maintaining power and an edge – A narcissist is not interested in changing or becoming a better person and would game the system if at all possible, even if that means filing endless motions or false accusations. Dragging you through a court battle can make the narcissist feel empowered, and how long the divorce takes is of no concern. If you give up and go away, the narcissist enjoys the victory.
No empathy – Hurting the other spouse does not matter to a narcissist. This can take its toll on your children and you.
Court battles – The narcissist may prefer a court battle to negotiation because letting a judge decide means not having to take responsibility for the outcome. Beware, because the narcissist often wants to obstruct the process, will refuse to negotiate or settle, run up your bills, paint you as the bad guy, and continue dragging issues to court even after settlement or divorce.
There are many factors to weigh when considering divorce, and it is wise to seek legal advice right away. Attorney Chris Palermo takes your divorce seriously and works diligently to help you obtain as favorable an outcome as possible.
Divorce lawyers and counselors often advise clients not to discuss their divorce with family or friends. When it comes to divorce, many people want to weigh in with their opinions. Emotions can fly high and the end results are often unfavorable.
Such was the case in February 2017 for a United Airlines pilot. NBC reported that the female pilot arrived late to work and was dressed in civilian clothes for her flight that was scheduled to fly from Austin to San Francisco.
The pilot announced to passengers she was late because she was going through a divorce and made disparaging comments about presidential candidates Clinton and Trump. One of the passengers videoed the incident and put it on YouTube but then took it down. About half of the passengers walked off the plane because they felt unsafe.
The airlines sent a pilot to replace her, and the pilot walked off the plane of her own accord. By this time she was in tears. United Airlines released a statement that said, “We hold our employees to the highest standards and replaced this pilot with a new one to operate the flight.”
Fortunately, the pilot was not identified, and a passenger who ran into her afterward said she was crying and apologized. Many passengers expressed compassion and concern for the pilot.
Divorce is emotionally traumatic for many people, and this can be true even if you are the one initiating the divorce. Seeking legal guidance can help you dispel confusion about your divorce options and understand what to expect. Mediation is often a way to make the divorce process more amicable and less stressful. In many divorce cases, the husband or wife may find divorce therapy is a great aid for helping them cope with the overall situation. Be proactive and avoid your own divorce meltdown.
If you are considering divorce, consult with a lawyer early on to avoid actions that could potentially further complicate divorce. Attorney Chris Palermo offers compassionate legal assistance and can help you navigate a challenging divorce.